Writing

I had to write a persuasive essay for a college course once. And because the professor (who also taught a separate Folklore 1010 class) was very attractive, I decided it could only be in my best interest to... impress.

The standard topics for any persuasive essay came to my mind: Abortion, Gun Rights, Climate Change-- No-- None of them would do. Instead, I wrote a biography. It was called The Life And Times of Johannesson Bigfoote James.

It told the story of a man who grew up in the early days of the established Thirteen Colonies and what became of him. Here's an excerpt:

"...And so, the very tall, very wide, and very meek man, Johannesson 'Bigfoote' James, who had-- allegedly-- refused to partake in some-such tea party, (a tea party of which only the angriest of men where allowed to attend-- and Johannesson James was definitely not that kind of man) fled. He fled until he found the great dense wilderness of western Pennsylvania and had no more room for in which to flee.  Feeling himself a fool for running so far for such silly a reason-- 'a tea party? What could be so wrong with a tea party in the company of some few sour men'-- but just as this thought started to near its end, a new one began: "These woods aren't quite so bad. I could live here and be free from whatsoever parties I so desire not to attend!"

And it was then that Johannesson 'Bigfoote' James began his life anew in the great dense wilderness of the New World, living the life of a savage. Word quickly spread, and his legend began..."

Turns out, the professor didn't buy my... proof. Which brings me to the first rule of writing that turned out to be a huge waste of time: "Know your audience."

Let me tell you, that in all my years as a semi-competent reader and somewhat more competent human being, I certainly never asked for a "saga" of high school vampires and their drama. No one did, and now look at us.

The point is, that most of those rules budding writers have learned to live by, are damming their potential. (except for "know your subject"-- that one's legit. You can't know that much about the inner workings of an organization like the Volturi without actually knowing.)

And so, without further ado:

TOP  5   4 ... 3 NEW RULES TO WRITE BY

• Dystopian novels are the easiest to write, because in a world with no freedom, half the work is done for you!

• Write James Patterson's name on the cover in huge letterhead. With a good, bold font. Maybe something called Ego Sans, or Times New Patterson.

• Gain the supernatural powers your characters have. You know, for science.