Mars Science Laboratory: Curiosity

Throughout history (I assume), Man, sat in the dark quiet of nature, next to a warm glow of a campfire made with his own bare hands. He looked up to the sky and dreamt of another world teeming with life different from his own, and asked the inevitable question, "Am I alone?", only to get the inevitable answer, "No." (Man, often forgetful, is a big proponent of the buddy system. Especially while camping.) But that one silly misunderstanding didn't stop Man from dreaming of what lies beyond.

Unfortunately, thanks the dumb geniuses who made space flight possible, the Moon was ruled out for the homeworld of the Mole People-- and then the innovative simpletons who gave us a giant space telescope, can now prove how boring everything is, without even going.

But we still have to go somewhere.

Mars is the 5th planet in our solar system if you start from Neptune (the scientifically preferred method); The second planet in order of most important; 4th in literacy; 1st the Sahara look-a-like contest; And Bronze in the steeplechase at the London Olympic games. So, it should be no surprise that humanity needs to go there.

And that's exactly what the aptly named Mars rover, Mars Science Laboratory: Curiosity will investigate, excavate, and although there is strong evidence to suggest that there are no signs of life on Mars, NASA still incorporated an 'interrogate' program, because they've seen every movie about Mars-- ever.)

And, not to be outdone by Hollywood, NASA made this very educational,  yet very dramatic summary of the mission.

Debt

What if I were to tell you that you could be the proud owner of a PLANE CAR? Awesome, right? Now, what if I were to tell you that it will cost a solid $350,000? (it's true, you can) Well, if you've been a part of the human race for any amount of time in the last century, then you would say, "Charge It"-- Because the only thing better than owning a Flying Car, or this, or even especially this, is having the ability to purchase them when you don't even have the money.

INTERESTING FACT: Being in debt is second on the list of primal human urges. (Lying, procrastination, anxiety, and regret round up the top 5. Scientists have yet to prove if there is any correlation between them.)


INTERESTING FACT II: Some say the word "debt" itself, is the reason people take it so lightly. It looks made up-- or at the very least, got a 'b' enhancement.


I'm no scientist, but if I were, I'd publish one of those studies that science-types usually publish. And it would probably be in some "academic journal" called THE EFFECTS AND CONSEQUENCES OF DEBT AND MATERIAL GOODS ON THE HUMAN BRAIN. In that study, I would illustrate how the dopamine levels in the brain, spike considerably when you find something that you can't have, but increase tenfold from that, the second you realize there is nothing you can't have. Almost inspirational, right? It doesn't take a scientist to figure that out...

Ever since the primitive barter system of early man, humanity has always tried to go for the 'long con': 


"UG. TRADE TWO SHINY PEBBLES FOR ONE GOAT NOW.  UG. WILL PROVIDE THIRTY  MORE SHINY PEBBLES WHEN HIGH TIDE BRINGS THEM IN. I SWEAR. UG."

And so it goes. Life continued in a perpetual state of "borrowing" until today, when I promised Amazon.com that I would pay them in full for that AS SEEN ON TV Snuggie with built-in lightsaber. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. All I know is that I'm sitting here with the World at my fingertips, Fort Knox in my wallet, and that I now owe some ancient Neanderthal thirty shiny pebbles (plus interest), because of a bad deal he made with another ancient Neanderthal. (Negotiations are ongoing, but it's not looking good for him, because in the game of Monopoly, the only winner is the one with the most properties, invested in with the most fake money.)

For more excuses to trade in your hard-earned credit score for some sweet, sweet merch, you better check out all of life's great treasures that are just an expiration date & 3-digit security code away.

Writing

I had to write a persuasive essay for a college course once. And because the professor (who also taught a separate Folklore 1010 class) was very attractive, I decided it could only be in my best interest to... impress.

The standard topics for any persuasive essay came to my mind: Abortion, Gun Rights, Climate Change-- No-- None of them would do. Instead, I wrote a biography. It was called The Life And Times of Johannesson Bigfoote James.

It told the story of a man who grew up in the early days of the established Thirteen Colonies and what became of him. Here's an excerpt:

"...And so, the very tall, very wide, and very meek man, Johannesson 'Bigfoote' James, who had-- allegedly-- refused to partake in some-such tea party, (a tea party of which only the angriest of men where allowed to attend-- and Johannesson James was definitely not that kind of man) fled. He fled until he found the great dense wilderness of western Pennsylvania and had no more room for in which to flee.  Feeling himself a fool for running so far for such silly a reason-- 'a tea party? What could be so wrong with a tea party in the company of some few sour men'-- but just as this thought started to near its end, a new one began: "These woods aren't quite so bad. I could live here and be free from whatsoever parties I so desire not to attend!"

And it was then that Johannesson 'Bigfoote' James began his life anew in the great dense wilderness of the New World, living the life of a savage. Word quickly spread, and his legend began..."

Turns out, the professor didn't buy my... proof. Which brings me to the first rule of writing that turned out to be a huge waste of time: "Know your audience."

Let me tell you, that in all my years as a semi-competent reader and somewhat more competent human being, I certainly never asked for a "saga" of high school vampires and their drama. No one did, and now look at us.

The point is, that most of those rules budding writers have learned to live by, are damming their potential. (except for "know your subject"-- that one's legit. You can't know that much about the inner workings of an organization like the Volturi without actually knowing.)

And so, without further ado:

TOP  5   4 ... 3 NEW RULES TO WRITE BY

• Dystopian novels are the easiest to write, because in a world with no freedom, half the work is done for you!

• Write James Patterson's name on the cover in huge letterhead. With a good, bold font. Maybe something called Ego Sans, or Times New Patterson.

• Gain the supernatural powers your characters have. You know, for science.

Blogging

I know how to do two things:

1. THE INTERNET
2. Pretend

And as someone who pretends on a regular basis... on and off the Internet, I guess that means you can call me an expert.

But, that doesn't excuse the fact that the Internet is already filled to the pixelated brim with other Internet Pretenders.

And that's it. I'm going to be just another guy in a vast sea of guys that gets away with telling you things that may or may not be true. And there are no excuses. That's why Steve Jobs created blogs (that's what he's famous for, right?)

So, starting after tonight, I will bring you a new truth, or non-truth every week (maybe).

Here we go Internet, let's pretend. Again.